A Necessary Evil

Confessions from an Exercise Bike

I’m riding my indoor exercise bike for the first time in about a year. As it turns out, my body cannot survive on iced coffee and Hot Cheetos alone. Although, I did make a valiant effort to try! I went for the indoor cycle, and not my child-sized Schwinn because there is a deadly virus trying to kill me as soon as I walk out the door.

I wish that were a joke.

Reality is now the shittiest sci-fi movie we could have imagined. One that forces us to wear protective gear and cover half of our better facial features. Ugly men, this is truly your time to shine. You can make a girl fall in love with your hilarious and caring personality. It will not be years until she finds out the truth – that you are hideous. At which point, she will already be captivatingly in love and will have no choice but to stay with you.     

So, I chose the indoor cycle because this seems like the safest option for me. I don’t want to get sick, nor do I want to date an ogre. I am merely staying indoors until the National Guard rolls up in a tank. One day, I imagine some man will charge in, rescue me from my couch and say, “You can come out of your hole and return to life. It’s safe now. We won the war.”

It’s apparent I’m watching too many WWII movies… and too many movies in general. Without question, it is to blame for my overactive imagination and squirrel brain. My frequent movie binges and sedentary lifestyle are also why I’m on this poor man’s peloton today.

True story, I think an imprint of my ass is starting to form on my futon. So, you can say that I had a little epiphany that I should get moving. Because my butt is so much smaller than a Latin woman’s should be – it’s shocking! I don’t even know why I’m cycling right now; I should be straight-up squatting all the time.  

As I am on this hellish bike, I’m frantically typing thoughts into my iPhone notes. It becomes clear that I no longer fear the outside world. Instead, I’m feeling more immediate danger. Now, there’s much concern for my heart which feels like it’s on the precipice of an explosion. Rage-cycling to indie punk and putting it through a year’s worth of postponed cardio was, objectively, a bad call. There is no stamina. There is no core. There are no muscles because they’ve atrophied. I can feel my heart clench! Is that normal, to feel it clench? Or is this what happens when you do something more taxing than a leisurely stroll to an audiobook?

Readers, you may have noticed that I’m prone to hypochondriacal episodes. I used to ease these anxieties by banking on my youth. Rely on the fact that I’m in a newer body. However, now that I’m in my later 20s, it’s time to get serious about my health. Thirty is sitting on the horizon and it’s only a matter of time before my body revolts.

Yes, this sudden cycling business is all about making better life decisions. It is entirely about Miranda Bates wanting to live well and feel great. It COMPLETELY and TOTALLY and ABSOLUTELY does not correlate WHATSOEVER to the fact that I discovered my twin is twelve pounds lighter than me.

This sad fact was revealed when my older sister thought it a good idea to buy a scale. I was stunned to hear this because when has it ever been a good idea to own a scale. We should all be blissfully ignorant about our weight and just eat without shame. Why? Because our time on Earth is limited and we should enjoy the carbs while we have them.  

But, here’s what got me!

It’s the fact that she’s my twin. My identical twin. Where there is nothing, biologically speaking, to give her the upper hand. The competwintion is real and I refuse to be outperformed by my replica. The only thing separating us is our own desire to win! And this was the ultimate motivation I needed to change. It is why I do this now. I cycle. I am a cycler. And not just a cycler, but I’m a winner!

My twin better be ready for me to turn into a she-hulk. I am getting crazy fit now! Because along with getting ultra-healthy and toned, I’m unleashing an unhealthy and disturbing competitive side that is abrasive to society. After all, life is all about balance!

Update: Melanie just walked through the door and offered me a bag of Hot Cheetos.

Saboteur!